


Captain Marvel Fixes Infinity War

by quartzapple



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Carol Danvers saves the day, Crack, Fix-It, Gen, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Canon Fix-It, captain marvel saves the universe, energy beams to the head > everyone, men are useless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 15:49:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14596383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quartzapple/pseuds/quartzapple
Summary: Look, I wrote this when I was super drunk. I don't regret anything except I could have made it longer and put more characters in it. But seriously if Captain Marvel doesn't show up in IW2 I will personally kick the ass of everyone involved. Except maybe Stan Lee because he's ancient.





	Captain Marvel Fixes Infinity War

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone Lives. After this fic, Benadryl Cabbagepatch goes back in time and saves everyone who Thanos killed (that the audience cares about, also Loki faked his death again because he's Loki and that's his Thing) and Lady Death is a lesbian now who is spared incel!Thanos' fedora-tipping.

It took about three seconds for Nick Fury to notice shit was going down in New York City. It wasn’t like he didn’t have several dozen eyes watching the place, and it wasn’t like he didn’t have social media to point out the massive evil space donut ship thing smashing up buildings, or the crazy obviously evil aliens fighting his former associates.

“So, ah,” began Hill. “Are we going to call her or what?”

“Obviously we’re going to call her,” he replied. “Get Danvers on the line immediately.”

***

Carol Danvers was roughly woken up from her nap by screaming, metal crunching and earth shattering. So, just another day in NYC since roughly 2012. The ancient pager beside her bed was flashing with the SHIELD symbol. She sighed, knowing exactly what it meant – the Avengers were either too useless to deal with whatever threat had immediately presented itself with, or they had broken up like the latest generic boyband.

Probably the latter.

She suited up and waited for an update. About ten minutes later, she got a message from Fury, along the lines of _They’re duking it out in Wakanda, solve this shit before it goes nuclear and our scientists will stop putting notifications into my inbox to try to study you_.

The flight to Wakanda didn’t take all that long. Watching the fight was actually pretty impressive. It was good to know that Earth’s mightiest heroes and the assorted Guardians of the Galaxy were actually competent, even when not _assembled_. Old loyalties died hard. She stuck to the sidelines, happy to watch as long as no one was actively being killed besides the enemy.

Then, of course, Thanos decided to make an appearance. Thor appeared and stabbed him in the chest, much to her ire; if he’d cut off his arm, there would be no point in her intervention. These guys really needed to get with the practicality programme.

She was there in a second.

“I have arrived, puny mortals, and I have the Infinity Gauntlet! I have come to implement my great plan of-“ he began, menacingly. Carol may have found this marginally more terrifying if he didn’t look like a shriveled grape.

“Genocide, yeah, whatever. Look, don’t make me summon Galactus. I’m so not here for convincing him not to devour Earth once he’s finished destroying your ass. It’s kind of his thing.”

He seemed to startle for a moment, before regaining his slightly leathery composure. He settled his stance back into one of aggression, though it did little to assuage his wrinkliness.

“You know Galactus?” He replied. His brows dipped in confusion. How could a mortal, albeit one floating in the air with blazing gold eyes, know such a being?

“Either way, I’ve been called in to stop your ridiculous massacre of half the universe. Did you even bother to stop along your way to ask if any of the planets you decimated wanted said decimation? Do you have any proof of success besides your homeworld? Has it been academically peer-reviewed as a form of improving the lives of a society? How do you judge whether or not a planet deserves this treatment? If you kill off half the population of all beings, how do you know it won’t be detrimental to what they’ve already got going? What if their increased population is vital to their survival?” She continued, a hand on her hip.

“I…” He began. “I never thought of that.”

She turned to the rest of the cast, a hand raised in a casual gesture. They all looked on with gazes raging from amazement to outright unbelievability.

“Oh, and the rest of your friends are on Titan. You might want to think about retrieving them sometime soon, they’ve probably got some trauma to work through.” She continued. Thanos looked at her in disbelief. “I have this thing where I can see cosmic goings on. It’s very convenient and also very cool.”

Then she zapped him with an energy beam in the head and he died.

* * *

They retrieved the remaining Guardians (plus Nebula), Iron Man, Dr Strange and Spiderman from Titan with less difficulty than expected. Thor’s acquisition of Stormbreaker had made interstellar travelling much more convenient.

“So,” Tony Stark began, opening a conference call with Nick Fury. “Why hasn’t Captain Marvel been a thing for, I don’t know, the last half a decade?”

“She was busy. Doing. Things,” he said. “Either way, she’s one of the most powerful beings in our universe, and it’s not like I could strong-arm her into doing anything she didn’t want me to. She could have zapped me. And then Hill would have to take over, and she’d secretly hate that. She’s far less imposing than I am, and has been signing off her orders under my name for about a decade now. The efficiency of the entire organisation, Hydra infiltration or no, would be reduced by at least 20%, and we can’t have that,”

The rest of the crew, Avengers and Guardians and all, just out of shot of the device projecting the conference call, supressed laughter. Of course it all came down to Hill’s efficacy. As if Fury’s sweeping about in a badass long coat and eye patch had anything to do with bureaucracy.

“Right, so,” whispered Scott, now officially out of house arrest due to the whole alien invasion thing. “How do we convince this scary lady who can totally step on me to join us?”

“Us? Since when were you an Avenger?” Replied Tony, chomping down another blueberry and ending the call. His propensity for summoning punnets of fruit from the ether was truly astonishing and probably a superpower in its own right.

“Uh, since I did that super cool team-up with Cap due to your guilt about Ultron and crap and formed the loser-Vengers. Team OG forever, am I right?” He scanned the room. Clint and Natasha’s eyes twinkled with amusement, but no one explicitly backed him up. He deflated a little. But only a little. “Anyway, how do we get scary but cool lady to join us?”

A knock sounded at the balcony window. They all looked around to see said person of discussion floating there in civvies, a neutral expression on her face and a set of glowy rocks in her hands.

Strange rose to open the door. She stepped through, descending from the air. As she passed, she offered one glow-y rock to him, retaining the rest in her fist.

“I assume you’re all wondering who I am and what I’m doing here,” only Peter nodded extremely emphatically. “I’m Carol Danvers, also known as Captain Marvel, and I’m the woman who saved all of your asses. You’re welcome, by the way,”


End file.
